ways to get kicked out of the recon corps
by jeffster18.2
Summary: I was bored and thought: WHY THE HECK NOT? features, sasha getting trolled, levi getting angry and jean crying. (now with 29% more epicness.)
1. Chapter 1

_**ways to get kicked out of the recon corps.**_

_**1: I will not poke corporal Levi for no particular reason.**_

after Connie did this repeatedly, he had to go to the hospital with nine severed fingers. Levi does not like to get poked.

_**2: I will not tell Hanji that Eren's titan form learned to talk.**_

Hanji spent four days straight to try to communicate with titan-Eren. the fifteen meter tall giant just sat there with a confused expression on it's face.

_**3: I will not tell Petra that Levi loves her.**_

she screamed in joy, he screamed in fury.

_**4: I will not steal Sasha's food.**_

"HHHHAAAAAANNNNNJJJJIIIIIIIII!"

Hanji's corpse was never found.

_**5: I will not attempt to teach Sawney and Bean the hokey pokey.**_

the grunts were stupefied when the two titans started to dance with Hanji. they were shellshocked when Mikasa joined in.

_**6: I will not wait for Levi to clean a room and throw a mud ball through the window.**_

Connie and Jean were never found.

_**7: I will not fill the 3DMG gas-tanks with helium.**_

it was funny to hear corporal Levi swear and curse in such a high-pitched voice. he nearly murdered Erwin when the man told him that the voice finally matched his height.

_**8: I will not tell Eren that the solution for the destruction of the titans lies in Christa's underwear drawer.**_

Ymir cut Eren's arms off six times, before kicking his teeth out and breaking both legs, before watching him regenerate and repeating the process... twice.

_**9: I will not sing the spiderman theme when I use the 3DMG.**_

it got annoying after the fourth consecutive hour.

_**10: I will not tell Erwin that Mike is better than him.**_

he nearly cried.

_**11: I will not tell Jean that Eren has feelings for him.**_

he nearly cried.

_**12: I will not glue a wig on Connie when he is asleep.**_

for some reason Connie just shrugged and shaved it off.

_**13: I will not tell Hanji that Annie and Eren are 'mating'.**_

Hanji nosebled, Eren fainted, Annie shivered, and Mikasa sat in a corner, playing with a knife while muttering, "kill Annie, kill Annie, kill Annie.".

_**14: I will not start a food fight.**_

Sasha cried for days when she saw how much food was spilled. Levi cried for days because of the mess. Erwin cried because of how much money was wasted.

_**15: I will not blame everything on Sasha.**_

Levi: "who threw my cravat in the trashcan?"

Mikasa: "Sasha, after she ripped a giant fart, sir."

_**16: I will not dye all uniforms pink.**_

Armin and Connie laughed their asses off while the rest chased them across the training grounds.

_**17: I will not hug Levi.**_

to his defence, Erwin made it to three minutes, before Levi caught up to him.

_**18: I will not hang Armin on a rope, go the top of a tree, and go 'titan fishing'.**_

Eren went full flaming titan form on Jean's ass while Jean was unarmed.

_**19: I will not yell TITAN! everytime Eren walks by.**_

Eren kept going into his titan form, and had to be restrained after the fourth time, while Erwin cried about the holes in the roof.

_**20: I will not replace all uniforms with pink lacey naked aprons.**_

this time, Christa and Hanji laughed their asses off while the others chased them.

_**21: I will not do a happy dance every time Levi walks by.**_

Eren had to regenerate both arms, seven ribs, a leg, his eyes and his tailbone that day.

_**22: I will not ask 'and how does that make you feel', every time Mikasa says something.**_

at first she glared at Ymir, eventually she broke down, and scarred the poor woman for life with her life story.

_**I KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY, AND I HAD A LOT OF FUN WRITING THIS STUFF, SO IF YOU'D LIKE, I COULD UPDATE THIS ONCE EVERY WEEK OR SOMETHING. PLEASE REVIEW WITH IDEA'S AND YOUJUST MIGHT MAKE IT!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**23: I will not hide Levi's cravats.**_

Levi was not amused.

_**24: I will not kick Armin.**_

to everyone's suprise, he kicked back.

_**25: I will not teach Hanji how to use explosives.**_

everyone unaminously agreed that she could NEVER touch any explosive material again after she made the kitchen go boom.

_**26: I will not replace all cloaks with superman capes.**_

Levi was not amused.

_**27: I will not wait for Mikasa to fall asleep and put headphones on her head, costantly playing polka songs.**_

the girl smashed her face into the table when she couldn't get the tune out of her head.

_**28: I will not put Erwin and nile in one room, and lock the door.**_

it was funny at first. then the gunshots could be heard.

_**29: I will not steal food from Levi.**_

"BRAUSS! GET BACK HERE, SHITTY GLUTTON!

"NEVER!"

_**30: I will not sing 'petra got run over by a titan' in front of Levi.**_

Levi was not amused

_**31: I will not introduce the recon corps to 'flappy bird'.**_

echoes of curses, cheers, screams and annoyed groans were heard throughout the HQ for weeks.

_**32: I will not let Armin swear.**_

Berthold nearly had a heart attack when he heard the boy swear.

_**33: I will not give Eren sugar bombs.**_

what happens in the HQ, stays in the HQ.

_**34: I will not make a betting pool of who dies next.**_

Erwin put Jean in the hospital when he foud out.

_**35: I will not attempt to marry Christa.**_

Ymir made Reiner disappear that day.

_**36: I will not sing 'I wanna be the very best' every time Levi stares into the sunset.**_

he punched mike in the throat when the tall man started to sing.

_**37: I will not lock all the food away.**_

it is still a mystery how Sasha managed to rip through a metal box with her bare hands.

_**38: I will not ask Mikasa if she loves Eren.**_

she blushed cutely, before punching the poor guy in the throat out of emberassment.

_**39: I will not ask Eren why his titan shifting has muscles when he himself doesn't.**_

Eren fell into a deep depression when Jean asked him.

_**40: I will refer Levi's spinning move as the 'Levi-wheel-of-doom!'.**_

he wheel-of-doomed Eren when he said it.

_**41: I will not drink all of the black tea.**_

Levi chased Jean for hours when he noticed.

_**42: I will not refer to Armin a a 'trap'.**_

it was the first time they saw Armin punch someone.

_**43: I will not throw skittles at people while screaming "TASTE THE RAINBOW!".**_

Sasha nearly murdered Connie for throwing with food.

_**44: I will not randomly attack people.**_

Sasha kept running through the hallways while waving a stick around, cursing people.

_**45: I will not sock-slide through the HQ.**_

Jean had to be taken to the hospital after he slid a little too far, into the stairwell.

_**46: I will not insinuate that Levi can drown in a kiddie pool.**_

they never found Erwin's corpse

_**47: I will not make evil eyes at the new recruits while whispering "I've been waiting for my meal".**_

no one knew that sweet little Christa could glare like that. people started running after she started whispering.

_**48: I will not stare up at the ceiling just to see how many people look up.**_

a lot of people had pain in their neck that day.

_**49: I will not get gasoline and matches, walk through HQ with them and smile at people.**_

the recon corps was thouroughly disturbed when Levi did this

_**50: I will not glare and hiss at people when they come close to me.**_

they had to take Armin to a mental hospital when he hissed at annie.

_**51: I will not walk up to people, pretend to read their mind and then calmly say "please don't do that".**_

the new guy was honestly shellshocked when Jean did that, before he called Levi short.

_**52: I will not grab a can of whipped cream and spray a bald guy's head with it.**_

Connie was not amused. even less when Sasha attempted to lick it off.

_**53: I will not place 30 bags of candy throughout the HQ.**_

Sasha's sugar high elevated the therm 'insanity' to a whole new level.

_**54: I will not hold a drinking contest.**_

no-one knew Mikasa could strip like a professional.

_**55: I will not hold an irish bar fight during lunch.**_

it quickly ended after Levi punched Jean and gave him a black eye.

_**56: I will not play with airhorns.**_

Connie and Sasha found out that this was a bad idea when Levi's handgun was fully loaded.


	3. Chapter 3

**57: I will not grab a guitar and start singing Wake Me Up When September Ends in a loud shrieking half screaming voice.**

yet again was Mike throat punched by Levi as soon as the short commander heard the butchering of a good song.

_**58: I will not TP as much of the HQ as I can.**_

Jean had to clean it all up by himself. the nasty part was that it wasn't him, but Eren who threw the toiletpaper.

_**59: I will not walk up to Levi and say "I am your father!"**_

Levi was not amused.

_**60: I will not organise an army of garden gnomes.**_

"RISE, MY PRETTIES! LET US TAKE OVER THE WORLD BEFORE THE TITANS DO AHAHAHAAAH!"

"... Hanji... what the fuck are you doing?"

_**61: I will not kidney punch my friend randomly**_.

kidney punching Armin wasn't that bad. unlike him, Reiner actually punched back.

_**62: I will not cosplay while on any missions.**_

Hanji in a revy-two hands outfit was much appreciated amongst the men. Reiner in a sailor moon outfit... not so much

_**63: I will not handcuff Eren and Jean together.**_

_(the following part was too gory/bloody and psychotic that the author was requested to remove said part.)_

_**64: I will not kill captured titans**_

"NOOOOOOOO!" (sob.)

"HANJI! SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

**65: I will not handcuff Hanji and Levi together.**

strangely enough, no exploding noise was heard all day from Hanji's lab, but during dinner, both had wrinkled clothing, messed up hair and a glazed look in their eyes. they avoided each other for a full week.

_**66: I will not peek on the women during bath time**_

Eren and Berthold managed to keep the girls from castrating Connie after they caught him hanging from a branch above them.

_**67: I will not pretend to be a ninja with the 3DMG.**_

"YEAGER! GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE, NOW!"

"nin-nin."

_**68: I will not drink a bottle of hot sauce.**_

Sasha wanted a bit of revenge at Connie for peeking and decided to switch his beer for a bottle of 'uncle clement's extra hot death pepper sauce' while he wasn't looking. he drank the whole thing, and before he realised it, he was exhaling smoke, shitting fire and vomiting embers.

_**69: I will not replace the swords with rubber sticks.**_

"haaaaah!" Jean swung his blades at a titan's neck before the things rebounded and slapped himself in the face.

"EREN, YOU DICK!"

"nin-nin"

_**70: I will not form a band with my fellow teammates.**_

the suprising thing was that 'the fallen', consisting of Eren, Mikasa, Levi and Sasha were actually pretty good. however the noise kept attracting titans so they had to disband.

_**71: I will not use the recon corps funds to buy useless junk.**_

"hoover." Levi said to Berthold.

"yes sir?"

"why did you order a stuffed jalapeno doll with our funds?"

"because it was cute sir."

"bring it back."

"yes sir."

_**72: I will not perform any satanic rituals.**_

it was pretty awkward when Jean accidentally walked in on Krista, wearing nothing but a black bikini top and red skirt while chanting a reversed version of '_our father who art in heaven' _in front of a pentagram made of candles.

it got even worse when Armin sat next to her and startet to chant along.

_**73: I will not organise a karaoke night.**_

Hanji's singing. 'nuff said.

_**74: I will not invite everyone to a waterpark.**_

it turned out to become a normal day, however Berthold slipped and pushed Eren into Mikasa, causing them to accidentally kiss.

_**75: I will not imitate major armstrong of fullmetal alchemist.**_

Eren: *crying manly tears while bulging his muscles* "allow me to artistically defeat these titans using the techniques passed down the yeager line for generations!"

Levi: "yeager... what the fuck are you doing?"

_**76: I will not name Armin 'mini-me'**_

"REINER, PUT ME DOWN!"


	4. Chapter 4

_**77: I will not get Levi drunk.**_

nothing and no-one was safe of Levi's drunken affectionate hugs.

_**78: I will not tie Eren naked to Mikasa's bed. **_

his hands were cuffed behind his back, so even Eren's titan shift couldn't save him from the rape that took place that night.

"MIKASA! DON'T PUT THAT IN THERE! GET YOUR FINGER OUTTA THERE! AAAAAAHHHHHH!"

the other men didn't know wether to be jealous of the man, or to pity him.

_**79: I will not say that I ship petraxtree in front of Levi.**_

Levi proceeded to kick the holy hell out of berthold for joking about this. he is still in rehabilitation to relearn walking.

_**80: I will not set up a betting pool on when Arrmin will come out of the closet. **_

"HORSEFACE!"

Arrmin's scream of unrelenting fury was heard for miles. no-one noticed that hanji's titans were 'extra happy' that day.

_**81: I will not hand Levi an oversized lollipop and start singing "we represent the lollipop guild" every time he walks by. **_

who knew that you could use a lollipop a a deadly weapon. connie sure as hell didn't.

_**82: I will not send out invites to the wedding of Sasha and Eren. **_

Mikasa chased Sasha with a kitchen knife for four hours while Reiner and Jean decided to hide for survival.

_**83: I will not attempt to use Eren's titan form as my wingman.**_

it was not one of Reiner's better idea's, as the titan either proceeded to accidentally flatten any girl under his feet. or the girls just ran away for the massive beast.

_**84: I will not convert to jashinism.**_

"Mike what the hell are you doing?" Levi asked the tall man as said man dragged a corpse through the base. Mike just grinned and licked the blood off of his blades, deeply disturbing the others.

_**85: I will not pet Levi's undercut. **_

Aaaand there went Connie's last finger. you'd think he would've learnt from the 'poking incident'

_**86: I will not put ice down the back of Levi's shirt **_

"YEAGERRRRRR!" Eren hung upside down by his 3dmg behind him, grinning like a jack-O-lantern

"nin-nin."

he zipped away with a screeching Levi close behind.

_**87: I will not have hanji teach sex ed to the girls.**_

Hanji went a bit too deep into her own first time, mentally scarring the poor girls.

"believe me girls, the first time hurts like a bitch, and you'll bleed like a runt."

Sasha, Ymir and Krista vowed eternal maidenhood that night.

_**88: I will not have Levi teach sex ed to the guys.**_

"just think of your thing as your blade, and their... hole as the neck of a titan. you plunge it in and pull it back out. and in... and out... and in, and out and-"

the rest inched away from the soldier as he adopted a demented grin, thinking about mutilating a titan's neck.

_**89: I will not attempt to set Hannah up with someone new.**_

both Jean and Hannah punched Eren in the face for trying to set them up.

_**90: I will not start a dancing competition.**_

Eren stole the first prize with his sick breakdancing skills, and broke the minds of several lower soldiers.

_**91: I will not go up to a ranked officer and say in an official tone: "we got a code 3 at wall sina" and see what happens.**_

when Connie did this, the cental district was under lockdown for three months.

"how should I have known that code 3 meant a_ zombie pandemic_?!"

_**92: I will not put a doll on the table, hide behind a corner and whisper "I know where you live" to random people.**_

Krista hoped to scare some grunts, but was stupefied when Levi screamed like a little girl before running to his room like the devil was on his heels.

_**93: I will not walk up to someone and whisper "I know your little secret".**_

Armin dropped to his knees while crying.

"OKAY! I ADMIT IT! I AM THE ONE THAT PUT LAXATIVES IN JEAN'S COFFEE!"

Jean spat his coffee all over the table, before running off to the bathroom.

_**94: I will not release three of Hanji's titans with 1, 2 and 4 painted on their backs.**_

the rivaille squad was looking for number 3 for four days straight. not noticing Mike's snickering in the background.


	5. Chapter 5

_**95: I will not tie Eren naked on Hanji's bed.**_

Hanji was having a pretty shitty day when she arrived in her room. when she saw Eren on her bed, she decided to blow off some steam, not knowing that the guys were watching.

it was all fun and games until Hanji got the ball gag and whips out.

_**96: I will not use erens titan form to get me out of work.**_

Levi walked up to Reiner with a large stack of paper.

"oi you! you still need to do all of this paperwork, before writing your report of the last mission."

Reiner's saving grace was the arrival of Eren. he forced the boy's hand down his throat, and palm-slammed his chin up, making him bite his hand. the thunder struck, and the titan rose...

through the roof.

"sorry sir, but we need a diffrent base of operations."

"Reiner!"

_**97: I will not declare myself a deity.**_

"FEAR ME, FOR I AM THE MIGHTY SASHA, THE QUEEN OF FOOD AND ARCHERY!"

she was quickly kicked off of her high horse by Levi... litterally.

_**98: I will not tell Reiner that Krista told me she liked him.**_

the poor guy went into shock, Ymir attempted to skin him alive, Krista fainted, and Connie was blamed for starting the whole thing even though it was actually Armin.

_**99: I will not tape a sign to Jean's back during a meeting, saying "Mikasa, do me".**_

Eren choked on his tea, Mikasa grabbed the teapot and threw it at Jean's head, and Levi cried at the stain the tea made in the carpet

_**100: I will not distract Levi from his sunset staring with Star Wars references.**_

"HOLY S***, IS THAT PETRA IN A METAL BIKINI!?"

Connie laughed his ass off when Levi actually turned around...

until Levi kicked him so hard in the nuts he spoke like a 3-year-old for the next 4 weeks.

_**101: I will not take Armin with me to a strip club.**_

when commander Pixis took Armin with him, the blonde boy came back with the most awkward look ever on his face. when Annie fell off of the stairs on top of Armin two days later, he darted out of the door like a bat out of hell while screaming about not having any money.

_**102: I will not tell Hanji Eren's titan form has learnt to communicate (but only in japanese)**_

"dare desu-ka?" she asked him again while the titan just grumbled. inside, Eren just planned on his revenge on Jean for pulling this stunt.

103: I will not command all troops to do patrols on tuesday naked.

erwin never saw the fists coming. poor guy never stood a chance.

_**104: I will not replace all Levi's underwear with thongs.**_

when Levi found out that erwin was the one who did it, he punched the commander in the nuts, and beat him up while he was down with the rest watching in the background.

"hmmm..." Eren mused. "simple, yet deadly..."

the other men just crossed their legs in discomfort.

_**105: I will not set Levi up on a blind date with Hanji.**_

the entire night actually went pretty well, untill people started accusing Hanji of being a pedophile. Levi, not accepting the jab at his height beat the men up, making Hanji think he did it for her and decided to reward him.

the next morning Hanji was limping, and Levi actually had a shit eating 'I screwed her brains out' grin plastered on his face.

_**106: I will not give Sasha, Connie, Jean and Reiner sugar and caffeine, before telling them it's Pixis's birthday.**_

all we can tell you is that it involved pink glitters, a dead stripper, three barrels of monkeys and an extremely unhappy Pixis.

_**107: I will not dress up as a clown and stalk Mike wherever he goes.**_

at first, Mike was distrustful, after three days, he got annoyed. two weeks later, he got paranoid, and a month later he had to be administered to a mental hospital while he kept crying and screaming "THE CLOWN! IT'S EVERYWHERE! DON'T YOU GUYS SEE IT? IT'S MOCKING ME!"

_**108: I will not dye Jean's hair pink while he sleeps.**_

"YEAGER!"

"MUHAHAHAHAHAAAH!"

_**109: I will not try to speak in japanese.**_

Jean tried to impress Mikasa by speaking in her native tongue.

"hey Mikasa! Sore ga bakuhatsu suru made, watashi wa ahiru o mechakucha!"

Mikasa just gave him a blank stare as she inched away from him.

"do you know what I just said?" he asked her in his usual cocky tone.

"yes... you litterally said: I fucked a duck until it exploded... you sick bastard."

_**110: I will not make Eren play romeo and Mikasa play juliet in the annual recon corps play.**_

the play went pretty well, but the kissing scene took one and a half hour, because the 'chaste kiss' blew up to a full make-out session. Jean was later found crying himself to sleep in a corner.

_**111: I will not try necromancy.**_

"Marco! Petra! Auruo! Thomas! you're back! it's a miracle, THANK THE WALL!"

"graaaaaahg..." the four undead moaned before biting into Jean.

"OH GOD! THE PAIN! STOP THEM! ANYONE, PLEASE!"

three weeks later, wall sina was actually having a code 3. (see number 91.)

_**112: I will not tell Hanji her lectures are not in-depth enough.**_

instead of grunts having suicidal thoughts, some of them actually slit their own throats after eight hours of continuous talk about the 'inner workings of the titan'.

113: I will not make yo momma jokes. (ESPECIALLY in front of Eren.)

"hey Eren!" Connie called. "you're mother is so fat, when she jumps into the ocean, the whales start singing 'we are family!'"

Eren's response was a humorous chase in his titan form, before beating the everloving crap out of the bald boy.

_**114: I will not finish all sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."**_

it was funny at first, but it got annoying after Reiner kept doing it for two weeks straight.

"Reiner, I. will. kick. your. ASS!"

"in accordance to the prophesy."

"AAAGH!"

_**115: I will not ask soldiers mysterious irrelevant questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook and mutter something about "psychological profiles."**_

the creepiest part was that Hanji was actually managing the survey, and the test resulted in everyone being insane as hell.

116: I will not claim that I must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of my "astronaut training".

"Kirchstein... what the fuck is an astronaut?"

_**117: I will not tell people their accent isn't fooling anyone.**_

Auruo slumped into a deep, deep depression.

_**118: I will not wear a cape that says "Magnificent One.**_

no-one knew how, bit Eren managed to switch Levi's capes without him noticing.

"dude... how do you do that?!"

"nin-nin."

_**119: I will not ride a unicycle into battle.**_

erwin looked at the titans with a grave look on his face as they ran towards the giant monsters. he lifted his sword and screamed "ATTAAAAAACK!" before rushing onto the battlefield on an unicycle.

_**A/N I WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU FOR SENDING ME YOU IDEA'S IT REALLY HELPS SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!**_


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